By forgiving this person I’m not saying that what they did was OK…By forgiving this person I’m not saying they can do it again…By forgiving this person I’m not saying that they should not have to face consequences for what they did…By forgiving this person I’m not saying I deserve what happened…By forgiving this person I’m not saying I created the circumstances…By forgiving this person I’m not going to say that I will forget what happened…By forgiving this person I am not going to forget the lessons I have learned from the situation…By forgiving this person I am not saying that they can do it again…By forgiving this person I am not becoming a doormat…By forgiving this person I am choosing no longer to be emotionally entangled in the past…

The act of forgiveness is about freeing myself, not about freeing the person I am forgiving…It doesn’t do me any good to keep reliving the hurt over and over…What happened is really disappointing…I was hurt by what happened…But as long as I keep dwelling on it…I’m wishing ill on another person, but hurting myself…I choose to stop doing that…I choose to learn from this moment…I choose to remember the lessons I need to learn from this moment…It is something that happened to me, but is not me…It is not my identity…It’s not something I need to stay stuck in…I’m choosing to forgive them not for their sake…

But for my own sake…This past moment does not deserve any more of my attention…So that I can live my life and be fully present in this present moment.

Sue: Could you repeat that thought again? That was really profound…the difference between fix and transform.

Gene: We so often say “I need to fix something” and for anything that we wish to “fix” we’re implying a sense of brokenness. It becomes a state that we’re in that can have a lot of negative charge around it. 

The first time the power of words in healing was pointed out to me was by my friend Dan Cleary. Something had come up when we were supposed to do an interview, so I had to reschedule. I sent him a note saying “I’m sorry”. He replied saying “Don’t say you’re sorry! That’s a really profound statement because it’s not an apology. It’s a statement of the type of thing that I am, “‘Oh that poor, sorry Gene.'”

Being able to recognize I apologize for what happened and it won’t happen again is really different from saying “I’m sorry”. When we look at the work we need to do in terms of fixing something about ourselves, or the environment, or the world, it automatically implies something’s broken. 

Things aren’t necessarily broken. They may not be functioning optimally and they might not be functioning in a way that’s healthy and beneficial in the short and long term, but everything we do is functional even if it is not achieving the function that we desire. 

I have found it more useful in my own work to think in terms of transformation. I want to transform this from the way it’s functioning now to a healthier way, both in the short and long term, so it makes it easier for me to approach the work I need to do. It helps me to shape my mind so I approach it with a better attitude to ensure that I’m doing better work for myself.

Sue: It also sounds more open-ended. When you fix something it feels like you have a definite aim in mind, whereas transformation has a sense of allowing and expansiveness.

Gene: Absolutely. Anytime we are thinking of fixing or broken, we immediately make problems binary. By binary I mean on or off, it’s there or it’s not. And many situations are more complex than that, they aren’t just on or off. 

For example, it’s not that I don’t feel pain OR I do feel pain. There are gradations of pain and those gradations of pain impact the way I interact in the world. If I have a pain that’s a 9 on a scale of 0-10, and I move the pain down to a 6 but my goal is to get rid of the pain, then I have failed. Even though I feel better, I am still hurt.

Moving from a 9 to a 6 on the SUDs scale doesn’t mean I have achieved a complete transformation. That is, my pain is not fixed, BUT that reduction might allow me to leave the house for two hours, which I couldn’t do before because I have restored full mobility. That’s a big difference and real success. Yes, I still feel pain but I’m able to do things I couldn’t do before. I am moving away from this sense of one way or another, with no shades of grey. Transformation helps us to understand that there are grades of experience, rather than I have them or I don’t. 

For many of the things I want to improve in my life I might not ever reach perfection, and if I’m only satisfied with perfect, then I’ll never feel satisfied.

Sue: Wow, that kind of goes along with your “is there something better to…”

Gene: Absolutely yeah, the other part of it is when we make it binary we limit our possibilities and we could actually have something better than whatever we think “fixed” is.

I make a lot of choices that I’m not happy with…I make a lot of choices that in hindsight I wish were different…I even make choices that are unhealthy for me…I even make choices that make my life harder…But I recognize that all of these choices are functional choices…All of these choices are based on the information I have at the moment of the choice…

All of these choices are based on the resource state that I’m in when I make them…And because that is the case I don’t always make the best choices… Sometimes my emotions get the better of me…Sometimes I don’t have all the information…Sometimes I’m just acting out of habit with no conscious thought at all…By recognizing that the choices I make in the moment are functional…By recognizing that the choices I make are impacted by my emotional state…By recognizing the fact that my choices are impacted by the information I have in the moment…Makes it easier for me to be gentle with myself…Makes it easier for me to be gentle with my choices…Makes it easier for me to understand why I’m making the choices that I’m making…This is not giving me a free pass…This is not me letting myself off the hook…This is not me trying to escape taking responsibility for my choices…This is me recognizing that I am human…This is me recognizing all of the things that impact my choices…And by being gentle with myself…I’m not giving myself a free pass…I’m actually setting myself up for better choices…I’m giving myself space to evaluate the choices I’ve made in the past with a clear head…

I’m allowing myself to move forward in a thoughtful and deliberate way…I’m giving myself permission to heal…I’m creating the space for that healing to take place…By recognizing my choices are functional…I’m understanding why I am making the choices I’m making…I’m not making up excuses…I’m creating a platform for transformation…I’m not hiding from the moment…I give myself permission to be gentle with myself…I give myself permission to be gentle with my choices…I give myself permission to be in progress…Because I am not finished…I am still moving through who I am becoming…And I’m learning from each experience…I’m learning from every choice…If I do this, I will make more functional choices…If I do this, I will make healthier choices…If I do this, I will move forward in a way that serves me best…I give myself permission to recognize my humanity…And how and why I make the choices that I make. 

I would like to begin again…I would like to begin a new way…I want to create new dispositions…I want to take new actions…This is going to require me to change my old patterns…This is going to require me to move past previous failures…This is going to require me to be in the moment in a new way…I know a resolution is not enough…Simply stating my new goal is not enough…That’s OK…That’s part of the process…Everything that came before this moment created this moment…Everything that came before this moment is created where I’m standing today…This impacts the next action I can take…This does not predetermine the next action I’m going to take…This does not mean I’m stuck in this spot…This does not mean I have to repeat the past…Regardless of where I am standing right now… Regardless what came before this moment…I can change…I can transform…I can act in new ways…From this fresh start I can create something new…From this fresh start I can act in new ways…I recognize that success is not an all-or-nothing proposition…I recognize this fresh start isn’t going to happen all at once…Instead it will come from deliberate action…Instead it will come from deliberate thought…I know I’m going to fall back into my own patterns…I know that this is going to take effort…Not all of my effort will work out the way that I would like…With a fresh start I have a new way of moving forward…This deliberate action can add up into something new…This deliberate action can add up into something better…I can do this in a thoughtful way…I will do this in a deliberate way…I am always creating something new…With this fresh start I choose to deliberately create something new and better…Not just letting the day happen to me…But to choose with intent…To move forward in a thoughtful way…Creating something new little by little…Creating something new choice by choice…Transformation is not all or nothing…I give myself permission to incrementally move to a new and better place.

The fear that I am experiencing right now is trying to keep me safe…It’s trying to keep me healthy…It wants me to avoid danger…It wants me to avoid struggle…I appreciate that it wants me to be safe…But the problem is when I experience fear…I also experienced fight, flight, freeze, or fog…Which makes taking the next action very difficult…In some cases it makes taking the next action impossible…I recognize the fact that my system is doing this to keep me safe…My system also doesn’t want to lose the fear…My system is worried that if I lose my fear, I will become careless…I will become reckless…I will do something dangerous…Letting go of fear does not mean that I’m careless…Letting go of fear does not mean I’m going to do something unsafe…Letting go of fear does not mean I have stopped caring…Instead it is possible for me to move from distress to beneficial stress…It is possible for me to leave fear and move to urgency…When I act with a sense of urgency, I become focused…When I act with a sense of urgency, I gain clarity…When I ask for the sense of urgency, I move with purpose…I am safe…I am on guard…I am aware…Most importantly I am taking action…I appreciate that my system wants me to be safe…Fear is a consequence of my system wanting me to be safe…I choose to move from fear to urgency…Because when I work with urgency, I am safe and effective…I am safe and productive. 

There is a part of me that is really disappointed in myself…That I looked at another human being and I judge them…Every fiber of my being judged them…I judged their life…I judged their choices…I change them for not trying hard enough…I judge them for giving up…That’s not who I want to be…I don’t want to be a judgmental person…I truly want to see the best in others…Not as some platitude…Not because it’s the right thing to do…I just want to look at others and recognize that they are amazing…And there’s a part of me that intellectually sees that…There is a part of me that really wants to believe that…There’s a part of me that is just scared…Scared inside of my own skin…Scared in the world…That part lashes out in judgment…it lashes out in judgment because it makes me feel better…Better about my choices…Better about who I am…If I can see people who are making bad choices and know that I’m not bad like them then I must be good…Intellectually I know that’s wrong emotionally that brings a lot of Shame…There’s a part of me that knows that I should forgive myself…and there’s a part of me that wants to stay stuck in the shame…Shame is no fun…Is a part of me that thinks I need to be punished because I thought such horrible thoughts…That I should suffer now…I shouldn’t suffer …I recognize that if I offer myself any forgiveness I feel like I’m letting myself off the hook…Did I did someone wrong…Even though I didn’t say anything even though they didn’t know what I thought…Even though they didn’t know what I felt…Call for myself forgiveness feels like I’m just letting it go…If I entertain the sense of forgiving myself…I’m not saying it was a good choice…If I entertain the thought of forgiving myself I’m not saying I should do it again…If I entertain forgiving myself…I’m not saying I should take responsibility…I give myself permission to entertain forgiving myself…Even though there’s a part of me that is a long way from forgiving myself…I’m really sorry…in any way that I damaged or hurt others…Just being near them thinking those thoughts…It’s so unfair…And is so hurtful…And they didn’t deserve that…To be honest I’ve no idea how they ended up how they are…I’m sure they don’t want to be in the bodies in that state they like me have a part of them that wants health and well-being…And is worthy of health and well-being…And I hope it is not more than just the physical burden that they carry…They deserve better…They were made for so much better…I’m sorry for contributing to whatever they’re experiencing…I’m sorry for judging…I’m sorry for recoiling…I’m sorry for not seeing them is amazing…I’m sorry…I hope they experience no more pain…from my thoughts…From my emotions…For my negativity…They’re worthy of more…And they’re worthy of better from me. 

I really want what’s best for my loved ones…I want them to be happy…I want them to be healthy…I want them to find joy in this world…But there are times when I think I see a better path than the one they are on…There are times in which I think I see a better way…There are times in which I can see the pain that they are in and I want better for them…I’m glad there’s a part of me that wants better for my loved ones…I’m glad there’s a part of me that wants to share good things with my loved ones…At the exact same time I can’t be responsible for them…I can’t be responsible for their emotional state…I can’t be responsible for their choices…I can’t make their choices for them…Even if they wanted me to be responsible for them…And I wanted to be responsible for them…It would be impossible for me to be responsible for them…Because they have free will…They have control…It is their life…I can want better for them without running them over…I can want better for them without telling them what to do…I can want better for them even in the face of them making choices that I don’t think are healthy…I want what is better for them and at the same time I acknowledge it is their life…I want what is better for them but it is their choice…I want what is better for them…I appreciate that there’s a part of me that wants to fight for them…But it is their life and they are making their own choices…Recognizing this is sometimes hard for me…And I acknowledge that recognizing this is best for them…And it is best for me

I’m glad there are good things in my life…It is good for me to be appreciative…It is good for me to give thanks…When I give thanks I am more present in this moment…When I give thanks I’m able to experience everything more richly…When I give thanks I’m healthier…And at the same time I recognize that my life isn’t perfect…At the same time I want some things to change…There’s a part of me that believes that if I am striving for better, then I’m not appreciating what I already have…If I strive for better, it means that I’m being ungrateful…But this is simply not true…Because I can do both things…I can appreciate what I have and strive for more…I can be thankful in this moment and continue to improve my life…Wanting better is not dismissing what I have…Wanting better is recognizing that the past is a platform from which I can create better…Wanting better is growing those parts of my life I am already grateful for…They are not mutually exclusive…They are connected…Being appreciative helps me to grow…Being appreciative helps me to move forward…It is healthy and natural to feel both emotions at the exact same time…I give myself permission to be grateful and I give myself permission to strive for more…And as I achieve more, I will have even more opportunities to be grateful. 

There’s a part of me that is afraid that I’m going to make the wrong choice…I’m going to go the wrong way…That I’m going to waste time and energy…Or that I’m going to head in the wrong direction…Making it impossible for me to get where I want to go…But the truth is that as long as I don’t take action…I am missing opportunity…I am missing chances…When I don’t take action and make a choice…

What I’m really doing is making a choice…Choosing to say no to the opportunity in front of me…I’m choosing to say the opportunity in front of me isn’t right for me…I’m choosing to do nothing…And that is also a choice…It is good that part of me is trying to keep me safe…It is good that part of me is trying to keep me on the right path…But it is working too hard…And it is keeping me from the things I need to be doing…So I give myself permission to make choices…

To take action…Knowing that I can choose again…Knowing I can learn from my choice…Knowing that my choices don’t have to be perfect for me to end up where I need to be…I give myself permission to make choices and to make the choices that I am in control of…Because when I make no choice…I’m choosing to let opportunities pass me by… I now choose to be in control by consciously taking action

I appreciate that I get to make conscious choices today…I get to make choices about who I am…About how I act…I even get to choose the tools that keep me safe and healthy…When I was very young I wasn’t consciously creating new tools…I was simply trying to survive…And I did survive…I was creative…I was thoughtful…I came up with ways to get through very difficult times…If I knew back then what I know now…I might have created different tools…I might have created different tactics…But I was young and inexperienced…I did the best I could…And what I did was pretty amazing…Without guidance I found ways of surviving…Without guidance I made it through and I am here today…But now that I’m older…Now that I’m more experienced…Now that I have more agency…I can make very different choices…I can consciously create new tools…As I consciously create these new tools…I am letting go of the tools and tactics from my youth…When I’m doing this I’m not saying those tools are wrong…I’m not saying I made a mistake by acting that way in the past…Instead what I’m doing is honoring the choices I made in the past and recognizing I can make new choices today…I so appreciate the younger me…Who was creative enough to help me to survive difficult times…Choosing new ways to respond is not disrespecting the younger me…It is taking care of the younger me…In new and powerful ways…I give myself permission to honor my past…I give myself permission to celebrate the new choices I’m making in the future…Because the new and thoughtful choices I’m making today are only possible because of the choices I made back then…I am healthier today because of the choices my younger self made…I appreciate and love my younger self…Because it has created the ability for me to make better choices today.