I recognize the fact that I’m experiencing grief…Not a big grief right at the front of my mind…But lots of smaller grief…That’s hanging around in the background…Just under the surface…And it’s creating a nagging sensation that something isn’t exactly right…Without realizing it I’m grieving deeply…I’m grieving the loss of my routine…I’m grieving the loss of my work…I’m grieving the loss of freedom of movement…I’m grieving the loss of physical touch…I’m grieving the loss of being able to stand next to someone…I’m grieving the loss of certainty…I’m grieving the loss of future celebrations…I’m grieving the loss of travel…I’m grieving the loss of normalcy…I’m grieving the loss of being able to do something spontaneously…I’m grieving the loss of having a plan…I’m grieving the loss of having my own personal space…I’m grieving the loss of being around people that I love…I give myself permission to hear this grief…I give myself permission to feel these emotions…Grief is only pointing out the things that are important that I have lost…I appreciate the fact that my system is trying to convey that information to me…I appreciate the fact that my system is letting me know that I’m missing things that are important…I’m aware that I’m missing things that are important…So can acknowledge that the grief has done its job…The grief has been heard…If the grief needs to stay a little longer, it’s allowed to do that as well…It’s good for me to recognize its presence…If the grief releases now and needs to come back in the future, it is allowed to do exactly that…It’s allowed to come and go as needed…In big and small ways…I give myself permission to acknowledge my grief…I give myself permission to feel my grief…I give myself permission to release my grief…There have been losses in my life…Things I value are being missed…It is appropriate for me to grieve the loss of those things. 

God’s love for me is unconditional…Which means it is just that…Love without condition…It isn’t something I have to earn…It isn’t something I have to deserve…It is my birthright…It’s what I am made for…In every moment of every day I am completely surrounded by and filled with that love…The presence of that love isn’t in question…What is in question is whether or not I’m going to accept that love…It is ever present…Even when I deny that love…Denying it for decades on in…It never leaves…Because it’s ever-present…Without condition…Without judgment…It is pure love…And I’ve been made for that love…There have been moments in my life when I actually believe that fact…Even if it was just for a fleeting moment…For just a split second…There is a part of me that might be buried way deep down…That knows it is true…That knows it is what I am created for…I made for that love…I am made for accepting that love…That love is always present…And I can accept it at any time I want…There is no judgement from that love for me…Even if I am not fully embracing that love…That love knows me fully…That love knows my struggle…That love knows why it is hard for me to accept it…It never leaves…It is ever-present…It is truly unconditional…It will always be there for me…Even if I don’t fully see it…Even if I don’t fully participate in it…It is there…Always, always, always…

There’s a part of me that feels afraid…Because if I let this love in, I have to open myself up completely…And that makes me vulnerable…When I am closed off part of me thinks that I am safe…But if that were the case, I would be pain-free because I have been closed off…The truth is that there are things in the world that can hurt me…They can hurt me physically…They can hurt me emotionally…And they can hurt me spiritually…Those hurts are possible in my life whether or not I choose to open myself to God’s love…So I might as well accept God’s love if there is going to be trouble…That love can be healing…It can be protecting…It can be encouraging…It can be inspiring…It can be nourishing…Opening myself up is scary…It feels like God will see all of the baggage I’m carrying…I feel like I need to heal all of my failings before I can step into God’s love…That is backwards…Because I can step into God’s love to help heal all of this…All of the burdens…All of the mistakes…Are already known…They are not hidden…God’s love wants nothing more than to be released…And wants to help in releasing all of my pain…I don’t need to hide my burdens or heal my burdens…In order to accept God’s love…God’s love helps me to accept myself and helps me to heal…I don’t need to heal first…God’s love is the healing balm…This is a process…And it’s OK that it’s a process…It would be lovely and perfect if all of this happened in a single moment…But it will happen at the rate that is healthy and helpful for me…I give myself permission to be patient with myself as I heal…As I release…As I allow God’s love in…Love is going nowhere…Love will not give conditions…It will always be unconditional…It will always be ever-present…I give myself permission to be gentle with myself…As I accept God’s love…And as I allow God’s unconditional love in.  

I know my emotions are just information…My emotional guidance system is communicating with me all of the time…My emotions are just my system letting me know how I’m interpreting what is going on around me…

My emotions are what shows up after I evaluate the situations I’m in…Emotions can feel big…Emotions can feel overwhelming…Sometimes my emotions can feel like too much…I know that if I don’t experience my emotions now, I will experience them sometime in the future…Bottling up my emotions just means I’m not dealing with them right now…I will have to deal with them at some point…

There’s a part of me that is afraid that if I feel my emotions deeply, my emotions will overcome me…It is afraid that my emotions will consume me…That my emotions will derail me…It is good that I recognize how my emotions impact me day to day…I also know that when I commit to my emotions fully I can understand what they’re trying to communicate…

I can understand if they are well informed…I can understand if they are proportionate…It is good for me to feel my emotions…I can then process my emotions…I can learn from my emotions…I can heal my experience…I can move on…I give myself permission to be gentle with my emotional state…

Knowing that it can be overwhelming…When I am easy with my emotions and when I am easy with myself…I can create the space for transformation…I create the space for healing…I give myself permission in a healthy way to commit to my emotions…When my emotions are heard it creates space for healing.

Right now I’m worried…This situation is outside of my control…There’s nothing specific I could do to impact the big picture…And as I’m engaging with a constant stream of information via social media and news outlets…I recognize more and more what is outside of my control…I recognize more and more how little control I actually have…It is scary when I don’t have control…Because it feels like my life is simply at the whim of the universe…Which means bad things can happen to me…And bad things can happen to my loved ones…There isn’t anything that I can do about that…And it’s a scary sensation…When I have control, it feels like I can do something…But even though I can’t do anything about the bigger picture right now…It doesn’t mean I lack control…I can still make thoughtful choices moment to moment…To help me to stay healthy…To help me to stay safe…To help me to be prepared…The reality is I’m not in control all the time…It just feels like I’m in control most of the time because things are going well…Right now I have as much control as I normally do…I’m just facing a problem I’m not used to facing…I have been safe for a long time when I wasn’t in control…It’s possible for me to be safe now when I’m not in control…I give myself permission to know I don’t have to watch the news all of the time…I give myself permission to know I don’t have to be inundated by so much information…I give myself permission to be thoughtful about all of the media I am consuming…I can stay informed without having to consume it all…I can stay informed without becoming obsessed…I know that when I’m consuming it all the time, it feeds my anxiety…Even when people are trying to share information in a thoughtful way can cause me to feel anxious…I give myself permission to control what I can control…I control the information I consume…I can control the environments I choose to be in…I can listen to my own body…I can make thoughtful choices to stay healthy now…I can make thoughtful choices to keep myself safe…I give myself permission to be easy right now…Knowing that I can remain calm and make thoughtful decisions without descending into panic…Knowing that I can make thoughtful decisions even when I’m not in total control. 

I recognize that I am capable and I do good work….I recognize that there are times when I put in a lot of effort…I recognize that there are times when I come up with creative solutions…I recognize that there are times when I fully engage with the work that I’m doing…And there’s a part of me that wants to be proud of that…There’s a part of me that wants to recognize my effort…There’s a part of me that wants to recognize my expertise…There’s a part of me that wants to recognize my experience…But there is another part of me that thinks that being proud is bad…Being proud as selfish…Being proud is the equivalent of saying I am better than others…Being proud means that I am stealing other people’s attention…I understand why I feel that way…Culturally we appreciate hard work…And humility is valued…Because that is the disposition of our culture…We’ve spent our whole lives being told that being proud is wrong…Being told that pride is being selfish…Being proud is self-indulgent…But that is not the case…Being proud of my effort is good…It helps me to stay motivated…It helps me to keep taking action…It allows me to be a positive model to others…And they can see what is possible…It allows me to demonstrate what I’m good at…So that others can ask me for help in the future…I give myself permission to be proud of my effort…I give myself permission to be proud of my accomplishments…Being proud is a natural and healthy human experience…I can be proud of my effort without being a jerk…I can be proud of my accomplishments without being an egomaniac…I can be proud of myself and still be a good person…There are things that I should be proud of and I give myself permission to experience that pride. 

I recognize that I’m feeling numb right now…I know there is something going on in my experience that I need to feel…And I know it would be healthy for me to feel my emotions…But there’s a part of me that is afraid that if I feel my emotions, it will be too much…It is afraid that engaging with my feels will be too painful…It’s afraid that I will be overwhelmed by the emotions…If I feel these emotions, it’s worried that I will be so consumed by them that it will wreck the moment…It is worried that the emotions will take over my day…Like breaking the dam of overpowering emotions…And once that dam is broken…All of the emotions will come rushing in and consume every part of my day…I appreciate that this part is trying to keep me safe…Because I don’t want to be overwhelmed by emotions…I don’t want to be consumed by my emotions…But it is possible for me to feel some of my emotions right now…Not to feel all of them…Not to be overwhelmed by them…But to be in touch with a small bit of them…By being in touch with a small amount…I’ll be able to clear that small amount…Creating space to feel a little more…So that I can begin to create space for me to heal and transform…Without being overrun by it all…I give myself permission to know it is safe for me to feel emotions…I give myself permission to do that right now…So I can be more present in this moment…Allowing healing and transformation. 

I recognize that I don’t have a lot of energy right now…I don’t have a lot of motivation…Or inspiration…And when I feel ambivalent like this it’s so hard to take action…Because there is no motivating factor to drive me on…I’m having to act on willpower and willpower alone…And sometimes that’s OK…But it’s no way to live…It’s not sustainable…It might work for a few minutes…But it not enough for the long term…It is possible that there is a part of me is afraid to have motivation…Because if I have motivation, I’m able to try…If I try, I might fail…And failure will be painful…I recognize that lacking motivation is a great way of avoiding failure…Because when I’m not motivated I’m not taking action…When I’m not taking action I can stay safe…I give myself permission to know it is OK to feel motivation…That it is safe to take action…And I give myself permission to pretend that I know what I want to do…I give myself permission to put on the costume of a motivated person…I know what it’s like to feel inspiration…If I pretend that I have inspiration then I will be able to connect with my inspiration…If I pretend to have energy, then I will be able to connect to that energy…In big and small ways it is appropriate for me to feel…In big and small ways it’s appropriate for me to feel motivated…In big and small ways it is safe for me to feel…Every moment that it is safe while I am feeling makes it easier for me to feel in the next moment…I am safe and I give myself permission to feel. 

By forgiving this person I’m not saying that what they did was OK…By forgiving this person I’m not saying they can do it again…By forgiving this person I’m not saying that they should not have to face consequences for what they did…By forgiving this person I’m not saying I deserve what happened…By forgiving this person I’m not saying I created the circumstances…By forgiving this person I’m not going to say that I will forget what happened…By forgiving this person I am not going to forget the lessons I have learned from the situation…By forgiving this person I am not saying that they can do it again…By forgiving this person I am not becoming a doormat…By forgiving this person I am choosing no longer to be emotionally entangled in the past…

The act of forgiveness is about freeing myself, not about freeing the person I am forgiving…It doesn’t do me any good to keep reliving the hurt over and over…What happened is really disappointing…I was hurt by what happened…But as long as I keep dwelling on it…I’m wishing ill on another person, but hurting myself…I choose to stop doing that…I choose to learn from this moment…I choose to remember the lessons I need to learn from this moment…It is something that happened to me, but is not me…It is not my identity…It’s not something I need to stay stuck in…I’m choosing to forgive them not for their sake…

But for my own sake…This past moment does not deserve any more of my attention…So that I can live my life and be fully present in this present moment.

Sue: Could you repeat that thought again? That was really profound…the difference between fix and transform.

Gene: We so often say “I need to fix something” and for anything that we wish to “fix” we’re implying a sense of brokenness. It becomes a state that we’re in that can have a lot of negative charge around it. 

The first time the power of words in healing was pointed out to me was by my friend Dan Cleary. Something had come up when we were supposed to do an interview, so I had to reschedule. I sent him a note saying “I’m sorry”. He replied saying “Don’t say you’re sorry! That’s a really profound statement because it’s not an apology. It’s a statement of the type of thing that I am, “‘Oh that poor, sorry Gene.'”

Being able to recognize I apologize for what happened and it won’t happen again is really different from saying “I’m sorry”. When we look at the work we need to do in terms of fixing something about ourselves, or the environment, or the world, it automatically implies something’s broken. 

Things aren’t necessarily broken. They may not be functioning optimally and they might not be functioning in a way that’s healthy and beneficial in the short and long term, but everything we do is functional even if it is not achieving the function that we desire. 

I have found it more useful in my own work to think in terms of transformation. I want to transform this from the way it’s functioning now to a healthier way, both in the short and long term, so it makes it easier for me to approach the work I need to do. It helps me to shape my mind so I approach it with a better attitude to ensure that I’m doing better work for myself.

Sue: It also sounds more open-ended. When you fix something it feels like you have a definite aim in mind, whereas transformation has a sense of allowing and expansiveness.

Gene: Absolutely. Anytime we are thinking of fixing or broken, we immediately make problems binary. By binary I mean on or off, it’s there or it’s not. And many situations are more complex than that, they aren’t just on or off. 

For example, it’s not that I don’t feel pain OR I do feel pain. There are gradations of pain and those gradations of pain impact the way I interact in the world. If I have a pain that’s a 9 on a scale of 0-10, and I move the pain down to a 6 but my goal is to get rid of the pain, then I have failed. Even though I feel better, I am still hurt.

Moving from a 9 to a 6 on the SUDs scale doesn’t mean I have achieved a complete transformation. That is, my pain is not fixed, BUT that reduction might allow me to leave the house for two hours, which I couldn’t do before because I have restored full mobility. That’s a big difference and real success. Yes, I still feel pain but I’m able to do things I couldn’t do before. I am moving away from this sense of one way or another, with no shades of grey. Transformation helps us to understand that there are grades of experience, rather than I have them or I don’t. 

For many of the things I want to improve in my life I might not ever reach perfection, and if I’m only satisfied with perfect, then I’ll never feel satisfied.

Sue: Wow, that kind of goes along with your “is there something better to…”

Gene: Absolutely yeah, the other part of it is when we make it binary we limit our possibilities and we could actually have something better than whatever we think “fixed” is.

I make a lot of choices that I’m not happy with…I make a lot of choices that in hindsight I wish were different…I even make choices that are unhealthy for me…I even make choices that make my life harder…But I recognize that all of these choices are functional choices…All of these choices are based on the information I have at the moment of the choice…

All of these choices are based on the resource state that I’m in when I make them…And because that is the case I don’t always make the best choices… Sometimes my emotions get the better of me…Sometimes I don’t have all the information…Sometimes I’m just acting out of habit with no conscious thought at all…By recognizing that the choices I make in the moment are functional…By recognizing that the choices I make are impacted by my emotional state…By recognizing the fact that my choices are impacted by the information I have in the moment…Makes it easier for me to be gentle with myself…Makes it easier for me to be gentle with my choices…Makes it easier for me to understand why I’m making the choices that I’m making…This is not giving me a free pass…This is not me letting myself off the hook…This is not me trying to escape taking responsibility for my choices…This is me recognizing that I am human…This is me recognizing all of the things that impact my choices…And by being gentle with myself…I’m not giving myself a free pass…I’m actually setting myself up for better choices…I’m giving myself space to evaluate the choices I’ve made in the past with a clear head…

I’m allowing myself to move forward in a thoughtful and deliberate way…I’m giving myself permission to heal…I’m creating the space for that healing to take place…By recognizing my choices are functional…I’m understanding why I am making the choices I’m making…I’m not making up excuses…I’m creating a platform for transformation…I’m not hiding from the moment…I give myself permission to be gentle with myself…I give myself permission to be gentle with my choices…I give myself permission to be in progress…Because I am not finished…I am still moving through who I am becoming…And I’m learning from each experience…I’m learning from every choice…If I do this, I will make more functional choices…If I do this, I will make healthier choices…If I do this, I will move forward in a way that serves me best…I give myself permission to recognize my humanity…And how and why I make the choices that I make. 

I would like to begin again…I would like to begin a new way…I want to create new dispositions…I want to take new actions…This is going to require me to change my old patterns…This is going to require me to move past previous failures…This is going to require me to be in the moment in a new way…I know a resolution is not enough…Simply stating my new goal is not enough…That’s OK…That’s part of the process…Everything that came before this moment created this moment…Everything that came before this moment is created where I’m standing today…This impacts the next action I can take…This does not predetermine the next action I’m going to take…This does not mean I’m stuck in this spot…This does not mean I have to repeat the past…Regardless of where I am standing right now… Regardless what came before this moment…I can change…I can transform…I can act in new ways…From this fresh start I can create something new…From this fresh start I can act in new ways…I recognize that success is not an all-or-nothing proposition…I recognize this fresh start isn’t going to happen all at once…Instead it will come from deliberate action…Instead it will come from deliberate thought…I know I’m going to fall back into my own patterns…I know that this is going to take effort…Not all of my effort will work out the way that I would like…With a fresh start I have a new way of moving forward…This deliberate action can add up into something new…This deliberate action can add up into something better…I can do this in a thoughtful way…I will do this in a deliberate way…I am always creating something new…With this fresh start I choose to deliberately create something new and better…Not just letting the day happen to me…But to choose with intent…To move forward in a thoughtful way…Creating something new little by little…Creating something new choice by choice…Transformation is not all or nothing…I give myself permission to incrementally move to a new and better place.